When You least Expect It

 I don't know when exactly it happened, but I realized recently that I am extremely happy. Despite not getting into EATM this year, something I was relying so heavily on and working towards for the last 2 years, I am happier than I have ever been. I would never expect that I could be this happy considering the numerous rejections I have gone through recently(not only EATM, but another more short term animal keeper program at the LA zoo), but I really am. I adore living in the home Ryan and I have created. I am enjoying just being alive right now - cooking wonderful food, snuggling with my cats, watching my garden grow, and spending a lot of time with my friends. 


I have always considered myself a pretty pessimistic person. Though I do put on a rather good "optimism" face for the sake of others, I have a horrible temper and react impulsively when things go poorly for me. It usually takes a lot of self coaching to slap the stupid out of me and look at the bright side of things. I don't like to let others see this side of me because it is embarrassing, self absorbed, and childish. 


I feel that for the first time ever I am truly optimistic. It is easy to be optimistic when you get everything you want and everything is going perfectly as planned. I am used to getting what I want. In the last couple of months I have had to deal with a lot of shitty things(school-wise and personal wise that I don't really want to lay out here). I have learned a lot about myself and the kind of person I want to be by not getting what I want. It wasn't some sort of conscious decision I made. It just snuck up on me one day when I realized how extremely lucky I am in all the places that really matter. 


For a while there I was feeling guilty about where I was in life. I am 25 and still in school (and not because I am getting anything fancy like a PHD). Even "worse", I was going to school at a community college. Taking classes with 18 year olds can really make you feel like a senior citizen... which is entirely ridiculous because I am by no means old (...right?). Now I know that in reality the program I am trying to get into is one of a kind and astounding... but it is hard to explain that to people that don't know about it. Other friends of mine are making good money, moving up the career ladder, getting married, having babies, doing "things". I felt like I was in some sort of stunted life.


Whenever I get the dreaded "please donate money to the Alumni fund!!!" calls from students at Northwestern, the conversation usually goes like this...


Well meaning NU student: *insert initial greetings and pleasantries* So can I ask you a few questions about what you are doing now for the student newsletter??!!???!!?? They showed your animation in my class that you did with the Elephants and circus people and stuff, it was great!!! *giggle* *high pitch tone*" (note... there were no elephants... but it was in the title, so maybe they assumed?)


Me: Oh, um, sure.


Well meaning NU student: So where are you working now?


Me: I am an Outreach Ambassador at a college. 


Well meaning NU student: Oh, at a college? How did you go from being a film major into doing that kind of work?


Me: Well, I started going to school again, so I work on campus.


Well meaning NU student: Oh that's great!! It's great to see our alumni going off to higher education!!!! *giggle* What Master's Program are you in?? Or is it a PHD program?!!!


Me: Well... actually... It's not exactly a master's program... hey I'm kind of busy right now....


Well meaning NU student: Oh, that's ok, I'll call back later!!!!!!!!


*click*


And they really do call back later. Consistently. Every couple of days. Right around dinner time or when you are most likely meeting up with friends. Over. And over. Now, don't get me wrong. I may come off as a douche, but this has come after the last 3 years of being fooled into 15 minute conversations with these students, chatting about life and thinking they legitimately are interested in what I am doing in life now.... to then be slyly cornered into the importance of "donating to the alumni fund". I innocently yakked on and on "bonding" with the first girl to call me. We chatted about the joys of stop motion animation and the yuckiness of 3d animation,and how fantastic Triplets of Belleville was("OH YES!! HAVE YOU SEEN WALTZ WITH BASHIR??" she had said after some flattery about one of my senior projects). She really did her homework on me. Impressive. I had to say no about 5 times before she let up on the donating. 


Anyhoot, my point is that for a while there I was feeling a tad behind where I felt like I should be by this point in my life. And I am here to tell you, fuck that. I am the happiest I have ever been. Life is less about what you are doing and more about how you are doing it, if that makes any sense.

If this year is not the year where I begin my career, it is the year where I will nurture my relationships, indulge in my artsy hobbies, and travel. I have always wanted to go to Thailand, seeing it as some far off dream that I couldn't afford. I am gonna do it. Ry and I made up a savings plan so that next June we WILL go to Thailand. I have already planned out a wonderful 3 weeks with a detour to stop in Hong Kong to see my Uncle, Aunt and baby cousin that is being born there in September. I also planned a weeklong trip exploring some villages in southern China(Yangshuo, Longsheng, Guilin... might as well since we are making the stop in China). If I can't have one dream come true this year, by golly, I will find another one to put in its place. I am beyond excited. I am a thorough believer that we are responsible for making our own happiness. I will have to wear the same holy pants and stay home to eat instead of going out for dinner at my favorite Indian restaurant to do it, but damn it it will be worth it.


Not getting what I wanted may be the best thing for me this year. 


In other News... 


My grandma moved away to Arizona. I feel like my umbilical cord was cut. I love my family to pieces, so this was very difficult for me to accept at first. I now feel so happy that she finally has a house where she can grow tomatoes and can live within a few miles from where my baby cousin is growing up.


I never talked about it, but I had an amazing trip in the Desert with Ryan and my Uncle Tony back in March. It was a treasure hunt adventure of epic proportions that no real description could do justice to. Lots of hiking, backpacking, galavanting in old Silver mines and caves, reading ancient languages... It was like a real life Indiana Jones adventure. My uncle creates these massive and elaborate adventures with hidden puzzleboxes, archaeology sites, full handwritten journals full of fantastic stories and crazy scenarios. No one does anything like it. The guy welds his own puzzle boxes using rare earth magnets and inscribes ancient languages on them. It was wild. 


Houdini laid two more eggs this summer. She thinks Ryan is the Dad.


Beanie/Romeo died after the move to Arizona with my grandma. I almost didn't want to type this because it still hurts. He was killed by a coyote after escaping from the new house.

Boots, my rat, is very sick. She has a mammary tumor and can't walk very well anymore. Hard to imagine that just a couple of months ago she got me 100% in class for doing this....







Here is a Snail Teapot. I got awarded the Ventura County Potter's Guild Scholarship this year (mainly for the Chess set I made - I will take pictures soon since I finally got my lens back from Nikon Repair. Woot!). So I am now a member of the Ventura County Potter's Guild. Yay :D

Yes, he is missing an eyeball. Some asshat decided it would be a good idea to lay their mask on my teapot while they were on the cart to go into the Bisque fire. Juice/Tea come out of his mouth.

I finished the 4 ceramic classes at school. I am going to miss throwing on the wheel so much. I did sign up for Figure sculpting next semester though, so I will be using the same clay and glazes, just focusing on more sculpture instead of pots etc...

A very big portion of joy I have been having comes from seeing my garden grow. I grew this cherry tomato. My squash plant is growing comically large. 


I went with a totally different plan for this year. I am staying a full time student since a) I get to take classes for free since I have a fee waiver,  b) I can keep my job as a student ambassador, a job where I feel appreciated, enjoy my coworkers, and have a lot of freedom in my schedule, c) No animal/vet job wanted to hire me since I have a film degree(not even as a receptionist)   d) I can take kick ass classes like Figure sculpting, jazz dance, choir, and Anatomy of a murder(taught by a real homicide detective!) for fun, e) It allows me to postpone my undergrad loan payments if I am still a full time student, and f) I have my weekends free to volunteer at a wildlife rescue, rehab, and release in Ventura County. I am uber excited to help nurse Racoons and Bobcats back to health so they can be released back in the wild. How cool is that?

Pictureless Saturday

No photos today. My Nikon Lens is still in various states of needing to be repaired and I have no clue when that will happen. Going back to a camera phone and my boyfriend's point and shoot feels so wrong.

I usually don't like to post without photos... it's the candy I use to entice people to maybe read. I guess I don't particularly care if people read most of the time anyway, I just hope they like my pictures.

Today though, I just need to vent.

Yesterday I got the dreaded waitlist e-mail for the EATM program that I applied for in December. I know a lot of people I talk to regularly still don't quite realize that I am not actually in the zoo program. I always get the question... "Wait... but aren't you going to school there already?". Well, yes and no. I am taking some of the basic Animal Science classes they open up to regular students... but I am definitely not in the program. The program itself is a 7 day a week commitment complete with a uniform and actual animal interaction. I basically just read books, go to class and take tests. Only a portion of what the zoo students actually do.

I got the e-mail while at school, a good 30 minutes before I had to go to the zoo campus for class. Almost immediately upon getting the e-mail my heart started pounding so hard that I could hear it in my head. I left the building I was in and proceeded to sob like a baby, dramatically sliding down the side of the building until I collapsed on the floor like a pile of limp laundry. Dramatic? Oh yes. I am not someone who likes to flaunt my sadness around, and I hate public displays of emotions that draw attention. I don't like the attention. It was embarrassing.

It sounds especially over dramatic when you consider that I was at least getting put on a wait-list. It wasn't an outright NO, that's true. But the wait-list is over 90 people long, which doesn't exactly instill a sense of hope. I will find out my exact number on the wait-list sometime next week.

I debated not going to class. It is my favorite class(Primate Behavior),  but the thought of going to class immediately after and having to face my EATM friends amidst fellow classmates that I know just got accepted made me feel nauseous. I decided to go anyway.

As I was walking into the zoo grounds one of the EATM students passing me told me to make sure to answer my phone if it rings in a rather cheery tone. Salt. Wound.

I spent a good deal of time washing my face and trying to look strong. I was doing rather well until I saw my friend Kristen in front of the classroom. The waterworks continued to flow with every single EATM buddy I knew that came and gave me big, sincere hugs and words of hope. I really like these people. They are wonderful people. They welcomed me into their world even though I wasn't "one" of them. A huge part of why I am most sad to not get in this year is because I wanted to continue to see and work with this class of people. This is my dream, and I know I will go through this program eventually, but these people will be gone after next year.

It feels like almost every other prospie I knew from my classes got into the program. I know that's probably an overstatement, but most of them did.

Overall I was glad I went to class. I did not end up feeling embarrassed like I thought I would. I felt really loved. People were so supportive and were so kind to me, and riled up for me. If anything it just solidified to me even more how badly I want to be there, to not give up hope.

I don't fail in things very often. Before this, I had never gotten a rejection letter from a school I applied to, I never get a bad grade on a test, and I do well at a lot of things. I am a classic overachiever. Maybe that is why this stung so hard. In my gut, I believe that if you try at something hard enough, that you can do it. I tell this to people all the time. In this case, no matter how hard I tried, how well I did in my classes, how far I have come to get here, it all didn't matter. My decision was literally left to the luck of the draw. Complete, random, lottery process. It just seems so unfair.

There are a lot of wonderful people that got in. People that have been waiting longer than me, people that have applied 3 or more times.

There is still a sliver of hope for me. Every year a bunch of people decide not to start the program and the first 1-10 on the wait-list have a very good chance of getting in. Some years it goes as high as 20. I am assuming it is another lottery to see what your number on the wait-list is. I have a small chance, and while I am trying to come up with a plan B for this year, a large part of me is hanging onto that hope.

Plan B was to try and find a job at a place like Underwood Farms and take the Horse/Equine classes at Pierce College while volunteering at a wild animal rescue of some kind until the year comes that I do get in to EATM.  Underwood is one of my favorite things about the area I live in; they have animal shows, pick your own produce, fall festivals... most of all it is a job where I can be active and work outside in an atmosphere I really enjoy. Pierce has classes where you can learn to train horses, ride horses, and care for horses. It's not the worst plan B in the world,  but I still hope for Plan A.

Chin up. I've been through worse in my life. I will carry on. This is not the last that school will see of me.

Spring!

Due to the tragedy of my SLR Lens breaking on my birthday(BOOOO), I bring you a shoddy camera-phone image of the strawberries I have been growing. 

Notice that color! My boyfriend and I each ate one today. They were small, but incredibly juicy and delicious. I wish I had snapped a picture of Ryan's face when he popped it in his mouth; he confessed that he thought they were going to be sour and hard. HaHa!

This is a wee little peek at the chess set I have been making all semester. Non of these have been glazed yet, but you can see what they look like as greenware and bisque. 

 I am trying to keep myself as busy as possibly to keep my mind off of the fact that within the next couple weeks I will know whether I get into EATM (The Exotic Animal Training and Management program I applied to).  I have been so anxious, nervous, and worried about it lately. When I was little, my mum used to call me a worry wart. It is definitely true. I worry about everything.

Captain Obvious: Food is Delicious

We have made some delicious meals since we have our own kitchen again; some so delicious I forgot to get the camera out to document them before they were gobbled up.

Exhibit A: Further Proof of my boyfriend's awesomeness. He made me sushi from scratch on Valentine's day. Tempura sweet potato rolls with cream cheese, spicy brown mayo, avocado, cucumber, and Unagi sauce. While I love the Shrimp and crab rolls too, those Sweet potato rolls are my favorite, an inspiration from our favorite sushi restaurant in Chicago. 

Exhibit B: After trying Indian food for the second time a year or so ago (The first time involved some dry Tandoori Chicken and gritty Samosas), I have been on a journey to learn how to make it at home.

I took a Korma base, and then added a bunch of my own ingredients. Add some Naan from Trader Joe's,  and Voila! Not exactly fully home cooked... but that Naan from Trader Joe's is so delicious I can't imagine replicating it at my Indian Cooking Skill Level yet.

Exhibit C: Not food related. Just an Obligatory Cat Picture.

Nesting

I've been in my own apartment with Ryan for the last 3 months now.  I think most of you know how good it feels to finally have your own place. I am a nester. I love to collect little items that remind me of all the things I have done and places I have been. I think it is really important to make every place you live in unique to you. Even when Ry and I were moving into a new apartment every year in Chicago, I always took the time to put up pictures and decorate it to feel like home. I need to feel like it is my own nest, not just a place I am passing through.

One thing I have always craved to have was a little garden space. It didn't have to be big, but I wanted a little private piece of the outdoors all to myself (and Ryan of course). I have a wee bit of an obsession with plants that goes beyond a hippie-ish need to sit under trees. I like to know their scientific names and how they grow. I enjoy knowing all the different kinds of plants I see. I competed in a Horticulture contest in High School (Identification and the like) and got Third place in LA County. I love plants hardcore.

 Sadly I have killed nearly every plant I have ever owned. Even Cacti. 

Shame.

Proof that I have the best boyfriend in the world: With full knowledge and disclosure (even personal observation) of my black thumb, my boyfriend decided to give me the gift of plants when we moved in to the new apartment in January. Passion Flower vines, Jasmine, Ferns, Bougainvillea, strawberries, tomato plants... many many wonderful things. He gave me a little trust.

And in the past three months, even though there was one casualty of a rainforest plant getting scorched in the sun... I have managed to make most of my plants thrive. Here's to achieving little goals :)

Since moving in I have undergone many a DIY project... including buying cheap used furniture and fixing it up into something more me....

Every day when I walk through my front gate I smile. Every single day. I love having a place to call my own again.